Craptacular House Our place is so craptacular that it is splendhorrific.

• The backyard floods up to 1.5 feet deep in the spring.


• We have a gigantic, tacky, ugly mural made out of WALLPAPER as the center of our home


• The downstairs is unfinished and stores stuff for my parents


• Neither of our toilets flush. You have to reach into the holding tank to flush them, then come back a minute later to get the water to stop running


• Our shower backs up every couple of weeks so you end up standing in dirty water until you decide to grab the plunger to fix it


• The 30+ trees on our property dump probably millions of leaves on us in such a short time period that I once raked (for 6 hours) and the next day had a foot of leaves covering everything again


• $700 gas bill mean anything to you?


• Half of our electricity will randomly shut off. No breakers have blown. The rest of the house/street has power, but some random rooms and power fixtures just stop working until it feels like turning itself back on.


• No air conditioning, so hot summer days are killer


• The ice maker makes ice that tastes like urine


• The nightly screeching racoons and millions of spiders around our house aren't all that friendly

We experienced the half-power thing last night with Mike and Amy over. Anyway, these killer bills will weigh heavier when our rent jumps up $250 more a month next month.

Signed: Not-so-happy-camper in North Olmsted  ¶ 11:18 AM 12 Comments

  Party Party Weekend I wasn't originally going to make a post about the various parties of the weekend, but I keep on telling people about them, so I might as well stick it on my blog. Friday night was the party in my backyard, and it was a pretty good time. Like I said, just sitting around in the back by the fire, plus a few people playing a game or two inside. The only thing that annoys me is how I invited most people via "evite". I am actually a new fan of evite, but it was totally inaccurate. Almost every single "maybe" ended up coming to the party, yet less than half of the "yes, I will be at your party" people ended up coming.

Saturday had us meeting a long lost friend of Kelly's: Dory from Kansas City and her husband Jared. They were best friends growing up and they got married 7 days before Kelly and I did. Right after that we went to a Coyne family party mostly put together because nobody has seen some of the babies that have been born into the family. As usual, the Coynes had lots of yummy food.

After that we went to Dan Laguardia's girlfriend's house in Brunswick for a party. INSANE! Crazy crazy crazy party. We got there at about 10:15 and we already missed Dan's band playing. We did catch the 2nd band and the 3rd band, which were actually pretty good. Giant speakers and a mullet in the band who ate a beer made them my personal favorite. Carissa's parents were supposed to be out of town, but they ended up staying and allowing the party to happen anyway. In addition to them were a bunch of other "old" people. Rick, Dan's uncle was in from Florida, plus the other member of Dan's group his uncle Dirty Dan was there giving us more cowbell if we wanted it. I saw a few more, but the ones that stood out were two very drunk 40 year old women that wandered in to the party from off of the street. Nobody knew who they were - yet that didn't stop them from drinking everybody elses beer and being annoying.

So, the bands got done playing and I saw that the hose was on. Next to the pool, going downhill the entire way down their long backyard is a super long slip-n-slide...probably 150 feet long. I saw Chad jump in the pool all by himself, and nobody else did anything. I decided to help him out by spraying the slip-n-slide up and down. One of the crazy drunk ladies made me hose her down, and she proceeded to belly flop on the slide and go for about 3 or 4 feet before coming to a stop. She proceeded to do this flop and not-slide about 10 times in a row.

Next thing you know one of the bands decides that it doesn't matter that nobody else brought a bathing suit with them, they'd just take off their shorts/pants and slide in their skivvies. I would love to say that it didn't look like a big gay orgy, but, well, that's exactly what it looked like. Guys were pulling down their boxer briefs a few inches, jumping on one another, then sliding down the slide. They must have been really good friends.

The cops came and didn't seem to find anything wrong going down, so they left and let things keep on going on. As gross as those guys were, they totally broke the ice for everybody else. Suddenly many more people were stripping down to their underwear to go down the slip-n-slide or into the pool, both guys and girl included. A few people were a bit too nervous so they went down fully clothed (Uncle Rick included). Anyway, I added shampoo to make the slide more slippery and I ended up going down it just like everybody else. I managed to collide with people and I have many bruises and possible internal bleeding to show for it. I didn't even check out the rest of the activities (horseshoes and a bonfire), but for the less than two hours I was there it was INSANE. Kelly and I had more planned for Sunday, but we couldn't take any more so we just slept and slept some more on Sunday.  ¶ 7:59 AM 16 Comments

  Of Fires, Lights, Chocolate, and Preparation This will be such an exciting post! Okay, this will probably be one of the most boring ones ever. I'm really only posting again to remind my blog readers to come on out to my party tonight. That's right, I'm shameless. I'm having a fire in my backyard. I have this crazy contraption with various types of metal, gas tanks, and doors to put flammable materials into that I've never used before. I'll START trying to light it a few hours before the party so that I'm about half done when people start to show up.

My back yard actually had NO GRASS in May. I've been working on it ever since by putting in dirt, spreading seed, and consistently watering it. My parents even put down some fertilizer. The grass is still young, but I am very proud to say that I actually have some grass now. I've also been watering the front lawn for hours upon hours in a futile attempt to restore greenness to the grass. Anyway, I've been mowing and cutting and sweeping and blowing and edging and trimming and it still only looks "okay". Kelly is probably at an equal state of "is that all I was able to do with it" on the inside of the house. Anyway, I'm excited because I got to use a few lights for the party and anybody that knows me well can tell you that simple things like lights excite me for hours and totally make my day.

Last thing, on Tuesday I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at AMC Westgate with like 12 other people including Autumn and her son Erik. He made the movie worthwhile all by himself. The most anti-climactic part of the movie is when Charlie Bucket opens his "one a year" bar of chocolate and he just DESERVES to get one of those priceless golden tickets. A hush comes over the theater as he tears open one end of the bar, NOTHING. No golden ticket. "Nuh-uh, it's not!" yells Erik, which of course made the entire theater laugh heartily. Not too much later the movie has a sudden quiet moment at which point Erik has nearly impossible timing where he launched a rip of a fart from the dead center of the theater. I don't think everybody laughed at that one, but our row certainly couldn't contain themselves. Kids - gotta love 'em (but sometimes you wish you couldn't smell 'em).  ¶ 8:10 AM 3 Comments

  The NOT-Mullet Party On Friday Everybody should think EXACTLY how I think, instead of like themselves. This is not a theme party. You know, it's not a "beach" party, a "pimps and hoes" party, a "toga" party, a "pirates and princesses" party, or even a "tupperware" party. The way MY brain intended mullet party to mean is that the party is in the back...as in back yard.

The more I think about it, though, it would be AWESOME if a few people came in mullet gear. Just think about it as an extra, not a requirement.

On a side note I will have a much harder time pulling off any sort of mullet outfit myself because I have finally done it...I got rid of my oldest pair of pants. I bought a pair of Tommy Jeans khakis my freshman year of high school and I finally decided to part with them this past weekend (These pants were 11 years old, 1994). I also decided to get rid of 12 other articles of clothing. At long last. Okay, I still have a pair of black corduroy pants from my sophomore year of high school...but at least I'm a step closer to getting rid of all of my old stuff.  ¶ 7:25 AM 20 Comments

  Mullet Party Jacob gave me the idea, but this Friday I will be having a mullet party. What is that, you ask. The sign in my front yard should clear things up: "Business in front, party in the back." I don't really have anyone's current email addresses, so more than likely nobody will find out about it. It's an extremely open invitation, in fact, if I don't see somebody there I have never seen before I will be dissappointed. On the other hand, if only 2 people show up that is fine, too (we can snuggle).

Why: Cuz
Where: 24735 Theresa Ln, North Olmsted, 44070
When: Friday, July 22nd, 7PM-???
Agenda: None
Hidden Agenda: To rob you all blind! Muhahahahaha!

I'll have a fire, so I'd recommend bringing some lawn chairs unless you really like to stand. If you want to bring other stuff (food/drink type stuff) then feel free to, but come on out even if you can't bring anything. Oh, if it's all rainy then I'll still be there, but man will it suck. I'm just saying this because I don't have air conditioning and the indoors are just stuffy when it's this hot and muggy.

One more thing. What do you have to do early Saturday morning? That's right, nothing. So, stay late. Everybody wants to be nice by leaving by midnight. Hogwash. Stick around as long as you like.

I'll see everybody on Friday.
  ¶ 1:59 PM 8 Comments

  Time For A Beat Down My sister Kelly has a new post about some tool, and I am really mad at these types of people. From her post:

Rachael's rehearsal dinner is tomorrow evening because her wedding is on Saturday and guess who decided to back out of the wedding...yeah the best man. Oh my God! He decided that he no longer wants to be best man because he doesn't want to be fitted for his tuxedo.

So, I don't even feel like writing more, I'm just going to repost my comment I made on her blog:

WHAT!?! Give me his address. I'll get a couple of guys together and we'll *make* him get his act together. I know I use this expression a lot, but if anybody has ever deserved a punch in the face, it's this guy. So, pretty much, not only is this guy not best man material, but he's not even a friend? Being a bum or some other stranger asked to be in the wedding from off of the street is the only conclusion that makes sense. Months (or years) of planning go into this time, and his name has been printed on hundreds of pieces of paper already, his name has been given to the DJ for announcement at the reception, the priests probably knows his name, the placement/order of the wedding party has already been determined such that height and personalities don't clash, none of the other groomsmen have had months to decide what their toast is going to sound like, plus a laundry list of more things.

I'm getting more and more mad, so pardon any french I speak here... If this ass even shows his face at the wedding then he is 1000 times more of an idiot than I already think he is. I swear, if he does come I will find him and pull him out to the parking lot and take care of things.

Like I said, unless his is some sort of a stranger, or maybe a mentally handicapped individual. Maybe they asked a stranger to be the best man and he decided it would be fun to go along with. But then, as the day was nearing, he thought, "Man, I don't even know who these people are, I better back out of this wedding before something bad happens." I can understand that. If this chump DROPPED OUT OF THE WEDDING because he didn't want to get his tux fit... I don't know. I'm breathing hard and my veins are starting to pop out.
I'll let you decide what should happen.  ¶ 6:59 AM 10 Comments

  Too Many Things Going On Why is it that one week you have so many things going on that you can't even do half of them, and on other weeks you have absolutely nothing to do? I've been having a lot of those busy weeks for a while now. I very honestly don't remember everything going on Friday night, but I'm pretty sure my calendar (Kelly) has something scheduled that is not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Maybe it's Britton's B-Day party, or something. Saturday is just plain not going to have enough time in it, especially including travel. We have various obligations (like going to State Farm for life insurance papers), stuff we want to do (like mess with the yellow and crunchy yard and work out), plus we have Rachael Stack's wedding. The Twenty Somethings group is having a cookout at the Witts house in North Olmsted from 4 until whenever. That is in direct conflict with another cookout at the Goles house that night (which will probably draw many of the married couples). Kelly and I might drop by the Witts house, but otherwise we have to go somewhere very far away for Rachael's reception. That makes it pretty much impossible to go to Andy and Rebekah's place. Last but not least my buddy John Sammon has his I Need More Cowbell House Warming Party (plus he just got a new job), so I want to make it out to that...maybe by 11:00 PM? With all of these events going on I should have a little get-together at my house. Maybe next week? Saturdays are always busy, maybe I'll have some people over on Friday night? I dunno yet, I'll work on the details and maybe I'll whip together a fire in my backyard and whatnot.  ¶ 7:10 AM 9 Comments

  Creating Jealousy Ha, Kelly is totally jealous. Not rightfully so, but she is nonetheless. We went to the mall on Saturday while we were watching Ethan again (without getting a new pacifier...yes we are that awesome). I was grabbing a very belated Father's Day present, yet Kelly and I ended up buying stuff for ourselves. I got a pink shirt, giving up a portion of my manhood; Kelly got multiple shirts and jewelry. After church the next day we went to Crocker Park to shop more. Go there, now. I've been telling everybody that on a hot, sunny summer day the sparkling sidewalks and beautifully constructed outdoor shopping center at the edge of Westlake feel like you are on vacation. I like it better than Legacy Village. Plus, it's only half done being built.

Anyway, I grabbed some jeans, t-shirts, and some polos and Kelly got a jacket from Hollister. Kelly was totally jealous about all of the clothes that I got (but I didn't get very much more than she did). If I ever make over 100K a year I'm going to start shopping at Urban Outfitters and some of the more ritzy stores at Crocker Park. Not until then, because I just can't justify buying $32 T-shirts and $120 jeans -- even if they look really cool.  ¶ 2:18 PM 36 Comments

  Kids, A Stupid Law, and Weight Gain I helped Kelly watch Merci and Ethan last night. Ethan was a snap because he didn't nap. The kid meandered around, walking into walls (not dazed at all) and at one point purposely going from a standing position to his head smacking the ground with a thud. He complained about bed for about 3 minutes at which point he passed out kneeling. Merci is such an actress. "I'm scared of the dark", but Merci, the lights are on. "The fireworks outside sound like tapping on my window", but Merci, they are just fireworks. "I'm thirsty", you just had a glass of juice five minutes ago. "Can't I rest on the little couch downstairs", mommy said no. "Let's read a book -- I can practice reading for you." Stop making excuses for not going to bed Merci. "I can't go to sleep for anybody but mommy and daddy. I don't know why, I can only do it for them, so let's go back downstairs." Now that one was a pretty clever one. She was actually reasoning with us. The fake crying with the scared of the dark plea was pretty good - maybe Merci should be in the movies. She came back downstairs a couple of times but eventually we just said stay in your room and read a book. She passed out pretty quickly after that.

Now, I don't like the Candadian law against wardriving. This is when you drive around neighborhoods with a laptop looking for free wireless access to the internet coming out of a house. So, some guy in Florida got arrested for the same thing. He didn't drive around, he just sat in his house using a neighbors WAN. This is like putting a sign on your lawn saying OPEN HOUSE with your front door open. Somebody walks in and finds a platter of finger sandwiches. He eats one, you find out, and you are super mad that he had the nerve to take one of YOUR sandwiches. Basically the neighbors house was broadcasting a signal through the air. The man next door used that signal. Check this out, if you have a wireless card IT DECIDES ITSELF which wireless signal to use. So, even if you had your own wireless router in many cases you will automagically log on to your neighbors wireless signal. If you don't want somebody using your signal, you can simply go to the wireless settings and change the option from "OPEN" to "PRIVATE". Whoa. That was easy. The guy who was arrested should sue the neighbors because, hey, they were sending a signal INTO his house, weakening his own wireless signals. Maybe if they kept their free, open signals out of his house he wouldn't be using it. If you have a tree that has branches hanging over my lawn, I can chop those branches off. Anyway, I think this is crazy.

Oh, lastly, I continue to eat a lot of garbage and I think I gained the 5 pounds I lost right back. Dangit.  ¶ 8:59 AM 2 Comments

  Kelly's Quotes My wonderful and beautiful wife makes the best comments. Today I told her I might have to shower at Ballys (the place I workout at) so we could meet somewhere directly afterward. Kelly replies, "No, don't do that! You'll get AIDS!"

I remember when a bunch of guys and Kelly were all swimming one summer and everybody was laughing and somebody pushed Kelly's head underwater. *gasp* *glub* *gasp* "G-guys, I *gasp, I, *glub*, I'm...having trouble breathing underwater."

One day I was sitting at church gazing into the beautiful face of Kelly as she blinked. She grabbed my arm and peered at me totally wide-eyed. "Oh my God! Did they just shut off the lights?"

My buddy Dan was driving Kelly around, probably driving like an idiot. Kelly was getting mad and yelled, "Dan, if you kill us in a car crash I'm totally gonna kill you."

The things she says are the best. I'm only telling you the things she's letting me say... She's not the only one to have great quotes. I, after all, know better than most that "You don't want to punch a gift horse in the face".

I know that I've said plenty more things, but I just can't remember some of my most ridiculous quotes. Maybe some of you do...  ¶ 12:19 PM 7 Comments

  Best Movies You Don't Know Much About Chances are many of you will know a lot of these movies, but not all/many of these movies were huge box office smashes. Some of these are cult-classics, others not so much. Feel free to leave comments with more of your own picks that fit into this category of great, but not well-known.

• Donnie Darko (check out the directors cut if it confuses the heck out of you)
  
• Boondock Saints (lots of language, but the archangel type justice is great)
  
• Army of Darkness (stop-action effects, great humor. Bruce Campbell's best)
  
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (well-known in some circles...this movie is great)
  
• The Warriors (1979 Gang Classic. A thug favorite)
  
• Dune (Nerdy. Star Wars style sci-fi flick. The sci-fi channel remake is maybe better)
  
• Clerks (Kevin Smith's first. This movie leads directly into Mallrats)
  
• 13th Floor/Vanilla Sky/eXistenz (3 movies along the same line of thought -the 4th movie is the Matrix, but that made it too big for this list)
  
• Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human ("B" sex comedy. Earns the R rating, but very funny)
  
• Being John Malkovich (Weird weird weird. I mean, just strange)
  
• Frequency (Maybe this shouldn't be on this list, but I love this family movie)
  
• American Psycho (Sick and gory. Utterly disturbing. So wrong I love it)
  
• American History X (Not for the easily offended. Amazing race-relations movie with Edward Norton)
  
• Snatch (Brad Pitt as a gypsy boxer. Converging storylines a la Pulp Fiction, Go, Magnolia, etc)
  
• Swingers (You're money, baby. You're so money and you don't even know it)
  
• PI (The math symbol. Yes, a movie about math, and God, and jews, with jungle beats, in black and white)
  
• October Sky (Okay, not AWESOME, but a good movie that never made it big)
  
• Reservoir Dogs (Maybe this movie is big, but it is probably Quentin Tarantino's best)
  

I almost picked The Machinist and a slew of others...but just because some people loved the movie doesn't mean that I liked it (I thought The Machinist was boring). I have plenty of other movies that I consider great, but they are maybe too well known for the list (Fight Club, 12 Monkeys, ... well - I won't get into it). Some of the above picks were probably too popular to put on a list of movies you've never heard of. The thing that will get me mad is that I've probably forgotten about 30 great movies that you don't hear much about.  ¶ 1:00 PM 10 Comments