Jason Moran
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
  Christmas Lights Gone Wild
Kelly doesn't really understand how cleaning my room can take 27 hours over a 4 day period. She doesn't understand how making a song playlist for a party can take weeks. You see, when I go to do something, I really over do it. That's why I haven't ever tried to put christmas lights outside of my house yet.

Check this light display out

That is an example of "too much free time" and way overdoing it. If you are curious as to how it was done and wish to do it yourself, here are some of the basics:
First visit Light-O-Rama and purchase various controller boxes and the software needed to choreograph the display to music. Hopefully you paid the extra money for the professional version, because if all you did was buy the hobbyist version then you will need to build a control box, run your own power cables, and do a lot of hand wiring. Next, if you watched the video you will have noticed that his lights change colors. This is probably simply multiple sets of lights that were run. Lots, and lots, and lots of sets of lights must be run. The 40-amp controller boxes have 16-channels each, with most decent light displays using 80 channels (5 controller boxes). The cost is easily into the thousands at this point. Finally, you need to have a low-power FM transmitter to broadcast the audio portion of your show to onlookers in their cars so that you don't annoy your neighbors with loud noises coming from your house.

That's it. It's all or nothing. I'm either going all out like this display or else I am not going to do anything at all.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
  Weight Gain Is Easy!

Guys will always tell me that weight fluctuations in men are common. However, for seven continuous weeks I have weighed in between 181 and 182, once dropping to 180 and once to 183 during that nearly two month span. Anyway, I was 181 and ten days ago the scale suddenly (after a two day absence from the scales) read 186.

A fluke, right? Nope, the next day it was 187. The next? 188. Two days ago I was 191. Yes, I am telling you that I gained 10 solid pounds in 10 days.

Do I feel fatter? Yes. Are my clothes tighter than they were 10 days ago? Yes, actually they are very snug. Does my stomach look flabbier? It certainly does. I was actually in the process of trying to lose three more pounds. Three weeks ago I was able to run for a half hour at 6.5 miles per hour. I tried that out a couple of days ago and I only made it for 8 minutes (and the fear of death by exhaustion entered my thoughts).

This has to be some sort of a record. Can somebody actually get that out of shape in a 10 day period...all while they have been working out 8 of those 10 days? I'm not any stronger and my muscles are not bigger.

Note: I have been eating double and triple portions and I have been having ice cream AND chips and dip before bed almost every day for two weeks now.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
  The Best Superpowers

Would you fly? I mean, if you were superhumanly able to suddenly fly around in the air like Superman, would you? Which superpowers would you want?

If you were able to concentrate and drop 1000 pound iron turds out of your butt, you would stop concentrating so hard, wouldn't you? Super strength? Feet like the Flash? Inpenetrable skin (thus, bulletproof)? What if your power wasn't all that super. Like, maybe your one hand was double the normal size of a hand and made out of stone...but you could still move it.

What about the downside? I mean, a huge hand like that would not fit in a glove. A ring to fit it would have to be specially made and would get all scratched up. That bulletproof skin would probably have severely diminished sensation in order to be consistant. I mean, if most stuff felt the same then how freakin' bad would a gun shot feel? If it didn't hurt that bad, then something like the touch of a rose petal wouldn't create a feeling. If you were really as fast as the Flash, you'd be going through shoes every week and ripping all kinds of pants apart. If you had all kinds of superpowers then you would have to devote the rest of your life to aiding law enforement, military, etc. What if you wanted a vacation and somebody bombed a building? Man, no more vacations for you.

Hey, what if you had to work at your superpower. Like, without working out you didn't have very much super strength. Without proper moisturizing and skin treatment your bullet proof skin would flake off. Without running 500 miles a day you weren't quite as super fast. Maybe it's not like riding a bicycle, and after not flying around for a few weeks you sort of forgot how to do it.

You know what doesn't make almost any sense? Invisibility. That would most likely only effect the pigment of living cells on your body. Therefore, unless you shaved your head and had a really good loofa, you'd still see your thousands of dead skin cells and hair all over your body. Not to mention clothes. If you really wanted to be invisible you'd have to be naked. I don't know about you, but I don't like sneaking around dark alleys and stuff barefoot. Lastly, what about dust and smoke and random particles. Just look at a beam of sunlight coming into a dark room of your house...see all of those floating particles? You would easily see the outline of a person with those in decently lit areas. To me, being invisible would only work under certain optimal circumstances.

I think my favorite ability would be the ability to instantly download information and understanding into my brain like they did in the Matrix. Not only would your brain have access to the information like pages in a book, but you would respond as if you already have fully learned it and your instincts and reflexes respond as if you have always known how to do whatever it is that was downloaded. I would love to devout 10 years to becoming an expert guitar player. Years to be able to skateboard like Tony Hawk. Years to be able to write computer code like an expert. Years to be able to develop my artistic abilities. Years to learn how to be a Mr. Fix-it with cars, homes, yards, machinery, stone masonry, roofing, plumbing, electrical work, networking, accounting, writing poetry... The list goes on.

If life was like Groundhog Day and I had an unlimited time to better myself in every area of my life...that is what I'd truly like. I would like every year of my life to have 10 times more time in it. Maybe that's why some old grandpas will suggest never wasting your life and to make sure that you don't get too caught up in the daily grind. I guess you just have to grab the bull by the horns.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
  Guide To Passing English

Do you want to know what I discovered in high school? Wait, before I tell you that, let me explain this greasy little tater-tot of trivia: I HATE English. I think it all started in 2nd grade. I was a very polite and hard-working shrimp who cowered in fear of the almighty Sister Agnus. This cobweb of a lady used to throw kids against lockers and used shock treatment to inflict the fear of proper study habits on 6 and 7 year olds. Come report time I see what I expect: Math-A, Science-A, Reading-A, Gym-A... you get the drift. Further down the report card I see English-C. The troll gave me a "C"? But I is more smarterer than the other kids in this class!

It turns out I sucked at English my whole life. That is...until I discovered the magic that will change your English life around. Okay, first of all I will not help you to spell. I mean, come on, spelling is something you cover in grade school, I don't need to school you on such trivialities at this level. I also won't read books for you. Or the cliff-notes.

What must be learned at an early age in order to maximize English grades without really being all that great at 2/3 of English is this:


Master the art that is B.S. and you will never get below a B for the rest of your life. You won't even have to try very hard. Papers that other students spend weeks writing practically write themselves in one day.

Key concepts involved with successfully B.S.ing essays/papers:

That's it, now let me explain.

When it comes down to it, your teacher is busy and hates your guts. Okay, he/she may not hate you, but teaching is their job and there's far too much stuff to get done in a day to spend an hour reading what you wrote. So, this is how the grading will go:

Did the students understand the fundamental themes? Check. Did they pay attention to any details? Check and check. Does this report make any sense? (Check - since you are writing in sentences that might be spoken aloud). Lastly, "Whoa, big words, this must be good even though I'm not gonna read the whole thing".

So, now you ask the question: "That's great, but how do I fill up page after page with vocab words and, like, three points?" Easy, with anything. Seriously. Just start to repeat yourself and start to detail an opposing point for far too long before tying the ends together to show that the opposite point actually supports your ideas. Pulling unrelated ideas together doesn't take very much and can easily be done. Just write stuff, it really doesn't matter.

If you manage to get really good at B.S.ing, and I mean really good, then you can start to pull crazy Tony Hawk of B.S.ing maneuvers like a B/S Ollie then Blunt to Fakie and a McTwist. For example, I managed to B.S. an "A" in Advanced Placement Senior English for a book that I didn't even read. This class got me out of college courses after I aced the AP exam.
Monday, November 14, 2005
  What Happened Friday?
Okay, what happened on Friday? This is more than just a normal brainfart. I've been trying to remember all day so far (it's 11:37 AM at this point of my post) and I have no idea. I know I did massive amounts of outdoor work on Saturday followed by Kelly's party (The Majestic)...

Sunday was full of lots of sleep and church and just spending time with my lovely wife. We had plans to get so much housework done...but nothing ever happened and I'm actually glad that we took the lazy route and slugged around with each other all day long. (Oh, we did go grocery shopping, but that was fun because we bought a bunch of junk food that I got to eat last night).

Anyway, what happened on Friday? How come Friday, November 11th is a black hole of memory loss for me? Oh, and Sammon, I don't remember much but I know that I wasn't drinking, so this has nothing to do with Gin and Tonics.
Friday, November 11, 2005
  Flaming Flatley

We saw Flaming-Flute-Playing-Tap-Dancing-Twinkle-Toed Michael Flatley last night. My parents are fans of his and bought some pricey tickets to his new show. What happens AFTER they bought their tickets? They got 8 free tickets. I actually saw Flatley years ago when his Lord of the Dance show came through town.

I like Irish music and I can get into Irish dancing if the mood is right. However, this new Chicago-born-semi-professional-boxer-turned-flutist-and-dancer and his Guinness Record holding 28 taps per second wasn't all Irish...it had lots of other heritage in the show. Gay? Maybe. Entertaining? Yes. Worth the money? Hey, free sounds good to me.
Monday, November 07, 2005

Glorious Big Daddy Pimp Sammon

Wednesday, November 02, 2005
  Blog Reading Made Easier
I had an idea a few months back to make this whole blog reading thing easier. I would write a program to grab the blog posts from all of my friends and put them on my website. I started programming it one day back then and forgot about it. Over the weekend I put a little bit more time into it, and you can see the progress here: http://www.jason-moran.com/default.aspx.

So, you can click on somebodies name and it will load their blog's text onto the page. You can click on what I am currently calling the "Load Blogger Posts" link and after it thinks for about 10 seconds you will see the newest headlines (the newest posts) for all of the friends.

If you click on a name and you start reading somebody's post, you can click on the title of the post (in large, bold, white lettering) and it will take you to their post so that you can leave a comment and view the other comments for that post.

The dilemma is that the pictures won't load onto www.jason-moran.com because it is an external site. Now, if you have already viewed the pictures (by going to the actual blog sites at name.blogspot.com you will see the images...but only then. If I can't see how many comments have been left and I can't get the images to load...should I keep on working on this at all? At this point I don't know. I'll let all of you decide whether it's 1.great, 2.okie dokie, 3.eh--not all that.
for smiles. for fun. for good times. for love. for eternity. for my family. for friends. for myself. for him.

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