Friday, January 06, 2006
Sex and Intimacy Are NOT Synonyms
My favorite "arguing about stuff that we never agree on" buddy, Zeke, made a LiveJournal post that can be found here. I actually fully agree with his stream of consciousness that was keyed into the blogosphere.
His thoughts originated with the following quote taken from U2's Bono:
"I just think people loving each other is a kind of miracle. And I think it's against all odds and I think everything in the world conspires against that, from just the humdrum of paying the bills to desire 'cuz sex has been elevated to the ultimate commodity, the one that you can't live without and I'm just amazed when I meet people like that. And this doesn't come from any disappointment myself, I just think it's a remarkable thing to see, and I don't think we should accept it as normal. It's like when you see people getting married because it's that time and you just kind of think, 'Oh no!' Marriage is this grand madness, and I think if people knew that, they would perhaps take it more seriously. The reason why there's operas and novels and pop tunes written about love is because it's such an extraordinary thing, not because it's commonplace, and yet that's what you're told, you grow up with this idea that it's the norm."
So, my thoughts agree with Bono and with my buddy Zeke. If you are "intimate with" somebody, that DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM! The thing is, as far as present day society is concerned, that is exactly what it means. Any two people cannot express intimacy without it appearing to be sexual any longer. It used to be commonplace for two men to kiss each other, even on the lips. A great example of how we view the present world through artificially tinted glasses is Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings. Most people thought their very close friendship and affection expressed a homosexual relationship. That's not at all what it was intended to be...or even how it was portrayed. I will even admit that I feel odd hugging any other guys, even family. Also, there is a definite line between males and females in which you are "too close". It is the commoditization of the temporary hedonistic elation caused by sex which as created such a line. I fully believe that two people can have extremely intimate moments with each other that are not rooted or even related to sex.
Now, you can't just start sticking your tongue in a buddy's mouth or crossing that proverbial line with girls, but that is more of a response to the status of the society of which we are part rather than the fact that humans are sexual beings. Sounds like a perversion of love to me. Love and intimacy don't have to mean that you get into somebody's pants. Just like chocolate...it'll make you happy for a few minutes, but then you'll want more. ¶ 12:10 PM
His thoughts originated with the following quote taken from U2's Bono:
"I just think people loving each other is a kind of miracle. And I think it's against all odds and I think everything in the world conspires against that, from just the humdrum of paying the bills to desire 'cuz sex has been elevated to the ultimate commodity, the one that you can't live without and I'm just amazed when I meet people like that. And this doesn't come from any disappointment myself, I just think it's a remarkable thing to see, and I don't think we should accept it as normal. It's like when you see people getting married because it's that time and you just kind of think, 'Oh no!' Marriage is this grand madness, and I think if people knew that, they would perhaps take it more seriously. The reason why there's operas and novels and pop tunes written about love is because it's such an extraordinary thing, not because it's commonplace, and yet that's what you're told, you grow up with this idea that it's the norm."
So, my thoughts agree with Bono and with my buddy Zeke. If you are "intimate with" somebody, that DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM! The thing is, as far as present day society is concerned, that is exactly what it means. Any two people cannot express intimacy without it appearing to be sexual any longer. It used to be commonplace for two men to kiss each other, even on the lips. A great example of how we view the present world through artificially tinted glasses is Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings. Most people thought their very close friendship and affection expressed a homosexual relationship. That's not at all what it was intended to be...or even how it was portrayed. I will even admit that I feel odd hugging any other guys, even family. Also, there is a definite line between males and females in which you are "too close". It is the commoditization of the temporary hedonistic elation caused by sex which as created such a line. I fully believe that two people can have extremely intimate moments with each other that are not rooted or even related to sex.
Now, you can't just start sticking your tongue in a buddy's mouth or crossing that proverbial line with girls, but that is more of a response to the status of the society of which we are part rather than the fact that humans are sexual beings. Sounds like a perversion of love to me. Love and intimacy don't have to mean that you get into somebody's pants. Just like chocolate...it'll make you happy for a few minutes, but then you'll want more. ¶ 12:10 PM
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I agree with the small of exception that follows:
cute guy comes around, have everything in common with him, start talking and you both start sharing some pretty intimate stuff. It's all great. Wow, what a cute friend that I have. Then my thoughts come, "Now ask me out". He never does. Then you realize he's just an "emotional whore". That is just not right. Guys shouldn't use girl's sensitive side and then just drop them when they get what they wanted out of it.
cute guy comes around, have everything in common with him, start talking and you both start sharing some pretty intimate stuff. It's all great. Wow, what a cute friend that I have. Then my thoughts come, "Now ask me out". He never does. Then you realize he's just an "emotional whore". That is just not right. Guys shouldn't use girl's sensitive side and then just drop them when they get what they wanted out of it.
I am not trying to start a fight...cuz I see both sides.... but I can't help thinking...ALL SINGLE GUYS PLEASE READ THIS....if you have "inimate" stuff you need to "share" and you aren't interested.....then save it for your 'buddies' (male ones)...as us women are emotional beings who can't help being attracted to those lost or hurting puppies out there...someties we can't help but love ya...even if that isn't what you are looking for.
sorry for the typos..."intimate" and "sometimes"
....and please know that I am not commenting with an attitude...I just think both genders should be wiser with eachother's emotions.
....and please know that I am not commenting with an attitude...I just think both genders should be wiser with eachother's emotions.
this is such a great blog! i couldn't agree more that intimacy and sex don't have to go together!!!
and just to jump into the fray, i think that it is fine for the guy to share his intimate/emotional things with a girl that he isn't interested in dating, so long as he isn't also flirting, teasing, leading her on, etc. like ben said, he could be looking for a FRIEND. and his "buddies" might not have the emotional depth he needs at that moment. or what the girl considers intimate, might just be him making conversation. some people just 'over-share' as a matter of course. some people are just really open about themselves. and sometimes you just catch someone at a vulnerable moment. unfortunately, once the moment passes, the interest may not be there.
believe me, i wandered in the Sahara of the Lonely Nights for 10 YEARS - nothing ever came after the "now ask me out" thought. until i met THE ONE and then another 4 year journey before we started dating (see my blog). but, i do know that some of the greatest friendships i had were with guys once i stopped being an 'emotional whore' and just started being their friend.
i think it's really unfair to put the burden totally on guys to watch out for girls' feelings. they have feelings, too! they need friends, too!
and just to jump into the fray, i think that it is fine for the guy to share his intimate/emotional things with a girl that he isn't interested in dating, so long as he isn't also flirting, teasing, leading her on, etc. like ben said, he could be looking for a FRIEND. and his "buddies" might not have the emotional depth he needs at that moment. or what the girl considers intimate, might just be him making conversation. some people just 'over-share' as a matter of course. some people are just really open about themselves. and sometimes you just catch someone at a vulnerable moment. unfortunately, once the moment passes, the interest may not be there.
believe me, i wandered in the Sahara of the Lonely Nights for 10 YEARS - nothing ever came after the "now ask me out" thought. until i met THE ONE and then another 4 year journey before we started dating (see my blog). but, i do know that some of the greatest friendships i had were with guys once i stopped being an 'emotional whore' and just started being their friend.
i think it's really unfair to put the burden totally on guys to watch out for girls' feelings. they have feelings, too! they need friends, too!
Okay, first I would like to say that never did I say that don't want to comment here b/c my comment of "emotional whore" has been interpeted as every man who shares his feelings with a girl then becomes an emotional whore. That was not what I was saying I'm talking about the guy who's interested in you but doesn't have the guts to truely ask you out so you just start "talking" and then reveal all this nonsense and then he leaves feeling so much that shared all that to never be seen again. That is not a friend who is sharing things with another friend. I have friends, most of them being male and that "emotional whoredom" doesn't occur. They share stuff with me as friends and its all fine. There are also men who use women's emotions to feel better about themselves and that is not fine. Sorry about starting such a huge misunderstanding.
Yeah, Bode, good job thus far. I'm impressed. And Kelmo, what you have just said is...
Well, I won't finish, but needless to say it is difficult to make sense out of.
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Well, I won't finish, but needless to say it is difficult to make sense out of.
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