Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Guide To Passing English
Do you want to know what I discovered in high school? Wait, before I tell you that, let me explain this greasy little tater-tot of trivia: I HATE English. I think it all started in 2nd grade. I was a very polite and hard-working shrimp who cowered in fear of the almighty Sister Agnus. This cobweb of a lady used to throw kids against lockers and used shock treatment to inflict the fear of proper study habits on 6 and 7 year olds. Come report time I see what I expect: Math-A, Science-A, Reading-A, Gym-A... you get the drift. Further down the report card I see English-C. The troll gave me a "C"? But I is more smarterer than the other kids in this class!
It turns out I sucked at English my whole life. That is...until I discovered the magic that will change your English life around. Okay, first of all I will not help you to spell. I mean, come on, spelling is something you cover in grade school, I don't need to school you on such trivialities at this level. I also won't read books for you. Or the cliff-notes.
What must be learned at an early age in order to maximize English grades without really being all that great at 2/3 of English is this:
B.S.ing.
Master the art that is B.S. and you will never get below a B for the rest of your life. You won't even have to try very hard. Papers that other students spend weeks writing practically write themselves in one day.
Key concepts involved with successfully B.S.ing essays/papers:
That's it, now let me explain.
When it comes down to it, your teacher is busy and hates your guts. Okay, he/she may not hate you, but teaching is their job and there's far too much stuff to get done in a day to spend an hour reading what you wrote. So, this is how the grading will go:
Did the students understand the fundamental themes? Check. Did they pay attention to any details? Check and check. Does this report make any sense? (Check - since you are writing in sentences that might be spoken aloud). Lastly, "Whoa, big words, this must be good even though I'm not gonna read the whole thing".
So, now you ask the question: "That's great, but how do I fill up page after page with vocab words and, like, three points?" Easy, with anything. Seriously. Just start to repeat yourself and start to detail an opposing point for far too long before tying the ends together to show that the opposite point actually supports your ideas. Pulling unrelated ideas together doesn't take very much and can easily be done. Just write stuff, it really doesn't matter.
If you manage to get really good at B.S.ing, and I mean really good, then you can start to pull crazy Tony Hawk of B.S.ing maneuvers like a B/S Ollie then Blunt to Fakie and a McTwist. For example, I managed to B.S. an "A" in Advanced Placement Senior English for a book that I didn't even read. This class got me out of college courses after I aced the AP exam. ¶ 12:45 PM
Do you want to know what I discovered in high school? Wait, before I tell you that, let me explain this greasy little tater-tot of trivia: I HATE English. I think it all started in 2nd grade. I was a very polite and hard-working shrimp who cowered in fear of the almighty Sister Agnus. This cobweb of a lady used to throw kids against lockers and used shock treatment to inflict the fear of proper study habits on 6 and 7 year olds. Come report time I see what I expect: Math-A, Science-A, Reading-A, Gym-A... you get the drift. Further down the report card I see English-C. The troll gave me a "C"? But I is more smarterer than the other kids in this class!
It turns out I sucked at English my whole life. That is...until I discovered the magic that will change your English life around. Okay, first of all I will not help you to spell. I mean, come on, spelling is something you cover in grade school, I don't need to school you on such trivialities at this level. I also won't read books for you. Or the cliff-notes.
What must be learned at an early age in order to maximize English grades without really being all that great at 2/3 of English is this:
B.S.ing.
Master the art that is B.S. and you will never get below a B for the rest of your life. You won't even have to try very hard. Papers that other students spend weeks writing practically write themselves in one day.
Key concepts involved with successfully B.S.ing essays/papers:
- Spend your time understanding at least two points very well
- Spend the rest of your time understanding the main concept that the teacher wants you to understand.
- Open up your vocabulary book and a thesauras (or use dictionary.com or F7 in Word) to use a bunch of pretty big words.
- Try to say your sentence out loud
- Talk about stuff that you do know as filler even if it is unrelated (and it probably won't be very related).
That's it, now let me explain.
When it comes down to it, your teacher is busy and hates your guts. Okay, he/she may not hate you, but teaching is their job and there's far too much stuff to get done in a day to spend an hour reading what you wrote. So, this is how the grading will go:
Did the students understand the fundamental themes? Check. Did they pay attention to any details? Check and check. Does this report make any sense? (Check - since you are writing in sentences that might be spoken aloud). Lastly, "Whoa, big words, this must be good even though I'm not gonna read the whole thing".
So, now you ask the question: "That's great, but how do I fill up page after page with vocab words and, like, three points?" Easy, with anything. Seriously. Just start to repeat yourself and start to detail an opposing point for far too long before tying the ends together to show that the opposite point actually supports your ideas. Pulling unrelated ideas together doesn't take very much and can easily be done. Just write stuff, it really doesn't matter.
If you manage to get really good at B.S.ing, and I mean really good, then you can start to pull crazy Tony Hawk of B.S.ing maneuvers like a B/S Ollie then Blunt to Fakie and a McTwist. For example, I managed to B.S. an "A" in Advanced Placement Senior English for a book that I didn't even read. This class got me out of college courses after I aced the AP exam. ¶ 12:45 PM
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Oh, and please get these following things straight:
"You are a looser". No, looser is what happened to your underwear when you gained all that weight then lipo-suctioned it back off.
"That guy it to cool for school". Wait, this one isn't hard... TOO. Why does everybody forget that extra 'o'?
"Who's sitting over their? Oh, there my friends". Good golly, get your there/theirs right.
"You are a looser". No, looser is what happened to your underwear when you gained all that weight then lipo-suctioned it back off.
"That guy it to cool for school". Wait, this one isn't hard... TOO. Why does everybody forget that extra 'o'?
"Who's sitting over their? Oh, there my friends". Good golly, get your there/theirs right.
jason, that is really funny. and, former english teacher that i am, i will say that this is true, to an extent. you could, though, take all that effort, and just put it towards reading the book and thinking about it and writing about it. but then of course if u do things this way, you would be learning something.
Hey Jason. I put this comment on Angela's site... but just incase you don't see it here it is:
Hey Jason,
Yeah what Donna said :-) I get paid to observe places... try their food...test their services, etc...
Example: Go to burger king. You order a specific item of the menu. You have to observe what the employee tries to sell you...how polite they are...how they look...how long it takes...how dirty the bathrooms are and so on.
Takes all of like 5 minutes haha.
Not bad. 5 minutes of work for 8 dollars and a free meal!
I use to waitress at lonestar steakhouse when I was 17. We had a secret shopper once a month. We got graded on our ability to sell drinks...food specials and so on to our customers... how quick we were...friendly, you know where I'm going. If we didnt get a 90% or better we had a chance of getting fired :-\ so this secret shopper stuff is serious mess!
Donna i'll try and post the links on your blog tomorrow.
Hey Jason,
Yeah what Donna said :-) I get paid to observe places... try their food...test their services, etc...
Example: Go to burger king. You order a specific item of the menu. You have to observe what the employee tries to sell you...how polite they are...how they look...how long it takes...how dirty the bathrooms are and so on.
Takes all of like 5 minutes haha.
Not bad. 5 minutes of work for 8 dollars and a free meal!
I use to waitress at lonestar steakhouse when I was 17. We had a secret shopper once a month. We got graded on our ability to sell drinks...food specials and so on to our customers... how quick we were...friendly, you know where I'm going. If we didnt get a 90% or better we had a chance of getting fired :-\ so this secret shopper stuff is serious mess!
Donna i'll try and post the links on your blog tomorrow.
Hey I used to work at Lonestar in North Olmsted and I will tell you a trick that works well with both secret shoppers and english teachers, its not BSing, its simply figure out what they are looking for. Even if you are not able to give them exactly what it was that they were looking for with a pleasant attitude you can trick anyone into thinking that they got what they came for. This is why I worked so well at Best Buy. People came in to complain and return product and they left feeling good about themselves with the broken product still in their hands. The company won and the customer felt like they won. And you know when someone buys a $20 walkman, they know that they are buying a piece of crap, so when they come in to complain that its not working all they really want is to validated as a person regardless of their poor buying decisions.
Hehe your funny :-) Yeah. I worked at the lonestar in Pineville, NC. Near Charlotte.
I dont miss that place one bit!
Waitressing is hard work and you got to put up with a lot of weird men!
WEIRD....... MEN..... I'm talking weird haha.
They just couldnt seem to understand the words "I'm engaged!" aka "Leave me alone."
I dont miss that place one bit!
Waitressing is hard work and you got to put up with a lot of weird men!
WEIRD....... MEN..... I'm talking weird haha.
They just couldnt seem to understand the words "I'm engaged!" aka "Leave me alone."
...hmmm... Jason, you have pretty much just identified the writing process. You are not skipping any steps; relating ideas that are otherwise unrelated is part of writing. This is called an analogy. It sounds like you may have even done more work than other students...lol.
In short, I now think you are an over achiever.
In short, I now think you are an over achiever.
Hey, I'm not making 20 year olds read this...it just so happens to be the reader-base that I have. Maybe if I write about other topics I'll gain other readers?
Yeah Jason is definately an overachiever, he once did this project on Pangea and he drew out all the different forms the world took and colored in in with colored pencil, except not like normal people who would fill in enough color to make it look acceptable, he spents weeks filling in every spect of white space...it looked great, but dang was it a lot of work just for one assignment in grade school.
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